1AM and I am drinking vodka while working on some freelance gig and blasting songs that get me.

I am tired of having to feel this way, you know. Don’t get me wrong – my life’s been great. I feel like I’ve grown a lot as an artist since the start of this year. I’ve been to three workshops, I make art almost every weekend, and just last week, I conducted my very own watercolor workshop. It’s been great, really. I’ve been overcoming my fear of public speaking, too, giving talks throughout the year. I’ve actually done three. I think I can carry myself better now in front of people. I recently got a raise. My stocks portfolio is growing as well. I have a lot of freelance work. I basically have a lot of avenue to be able to save for my dream of going to art school in New York two years from now. I have great friends who are for keeps. I am doing great.

Please understand that I am not boasting. This is me and probably the vodka reminding myself that it’s been great and that I have some progress on myself as a person and as an artist. I really believe I’ve grown, and that I am growing. I really do.

Except that whenever I am alone, especially at night, I get sad. I feel like still, something’s missing, you know. And it’s freaking absurd to still feel sad with all the great things happening in my life and how I am growing and all. I’ve been traveling whenever I can, and I’ve got two international trips later this year. I am experiencing new things. I should be happy. I am happy.

Except something’s still missing.

I hate it.

Why do I always have to be this way? Feel this way?

Why why why why why why why why why

I should write more while drinking – it helps ease my filter and you know, just puke all my words out.